The Great Areola War

With the destruction of a mosque, the  death count has risen to a total of 425 killed and over 2100 wounded. 320 of those deaths were Palestinians living in Gaza. At least 100 were civilians.

And yeah, I’ll keep counting until it’s “over.”

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Wow, two posts in one day. The football update was both spontaneous and poorly informative, so I’ll do an official one too.

Today we’re going to talk about two of my favorite things: Facebook and Boobs.

Kelli Roman, 23, couldn't put this picture up on Facebook, apparently? At any rate, it's currently her profile picture.

So yeah, it’s the Facebook story for the new year. A California woman is a big advocate for nursing and letting people on Facebook know that she’s nursing. Facebook, in its dispensation of equal opportunity justice, comes along and bans her picture as well as others’ for showing areolas and nipples.

Okay, everyone get the giggles out. AREOLA. NIPPLE.

In response, 11,000 people (I almost said women, but hey, let’s not make stereotypes and assumptions) staged a protest organized by M.I.L.C. — The Mothers International Lactation Campaign. I’m not making this up. This is the oft-reported-on Facebook group which seems to be MILC’s headquarters.

Facebook’s argument is simple. You show nip, you get cut.

Kelli’s argument goes along the line of: “STFU, Facebook, I’m doing something completely natural and inoffensive and you let a bunch of sluts post pictures of themselves being slutty and drunk, so your standards suck more than my kid.”

So where do I stand? Because you’re dying to know.

Now, I don’t see Facebook as being grossly unfair here. They have a very clear policy. They’re trying to be professional and limit the amount of pornography on the social networking site where grandpas and religious folk surf. Also, they’re really just following the rule of American marketing: Cleaveage = Great. Butt with some evidence of a thong = Perfect. Nipple = PORNOGRAPHY. Thinkofthechildren!!!

So, Facebook didn’t just make this up. They’re merely following existing standards of decency.

And I, alongside MILC (snicker), call bullshit on the American marketing standards of decency.

Dudes show their nipples off all the time. Demonstration:

That's at least seven areolas.

Europeans show off the female breast in advertisements all the time and they’re not significantly more whorish than we are. This always confused me as a child. Why are guy boobs fine when girl boobs are to be shielded? I mean…I know from personal experience that a man’s pectoral area can be just as bouncy and globular as a woman’s. But you wouldn’t slam a picture of a guy with man boobs at the beach with an R-rating. What’s the big difference?

Oh, well, would you look at that. The big difference is nursing.

Most men don’t lactate. Women naturally do to feed that ultimate nail in your single-life coffin: your child. Obviously, the fact that women’s breasts are made to be suckled is the source of their simultaneous shame and appeal.

And, while some men are all for spontaenous flashing in the streets, when you put that booby in a lactation context, the reaction suddenly turns sour.

You know, I find it really weird that this is the second time in about a week that I’ve gone with a feminist theme, but uh…I think we’re looking at some bonafide sexism here. Post a picure of a girl in lingerie for Halloween and it’s cool. Post a picture of a person guzzling their tenth shot of Aristocrat vodka and Facebook will let your employers and parents sort it out. But having a hint of nipple during a tame breastfeeding procedure and we’re suddenly bordering on a moral apocalypse.

The following picture is acceptable on Facebook….

Sluts. Better for decency than breastfeeding. (Identities changed to protect the innocent).

I guess the mentality is that there’s nothing we can do about showing off cleaveage — you could see that any day of the week at a grocery store. But we have to draw the line at women’s nipples, because nip-lovers are going to get SUPER-TURNED ON and Facebook will turn into a distatesful fap-fest.

But…here’s the thing, Facebook…Breastfeeding isn’t supposed to be sexually arousing. Not in the way that lingerie models, pole dancing, and general sluttiness is to our base, simple male brains. Listen, if you find the idea of breast milk somehow sensual, that’s your prerogative and if it’s a major fetish, then…well, keep it to yourself. But I’d like to think that most sane men (and lesbians) aren’t going to be collecting Kelli Roman’s pictures, licking their lips and putting their faces as close to a shadowy areola as possible. If you’ve got people on Facebook like that, then no picture is safe. Someone might as well be turned on by a picture of me helping my grandmother walk down some stairs.

Aw, man, why’d I have to go and type that? Gross…

It’s just another double standard and it’s stupid. We celebrate drunk culture in college and consider it to be an example of how far we’ve come in refining our humor.

Hahaha, it's okay! It's a FAKE penis. And the guy is DRUNK. Hahahaha!

Also, is anyone else kind of creeped out by the fact that there are Facebook employees whose job it is to surf through our pictures, look for nipples, and determine that they are indecent? Or maybe some prick reported the picture because he was getting a stiffie and felt perverted and it must be that damn temptress’ fault.

Bottom line: I don’t actively advocate unsnapping every bra on Facebook. American puritan culture being what it is, unless we properly phase out the breast stigma, too many people would get too riled up (in various ways) at loose boobies on that 20% of the internet that isn’t already porn. But breastfeeding? Seriously? There’s a baby in that picture. Stop implicating her with Girls Gone Wild. This is a different realm of social networking — it’s not some co-ed trying to get your attention. You’re delusional, Mr. Facebook Censor Man. And if you’re really on a crusade to restore decency to the internet, maybe you should focus on this ad I was presented when I was looking for pictures to prove my point:

I rest my case.

Tech Wins a Bowl Game – Nerd Rejoices

Just a celebratory update to say WHOOOOOO! VT ORANGE BOWL CHAMPS!

Photo taken by Michael Shroyer, SPPS.

Disclaimer: I’m not qualified to write about football or any sport, BUT….

 

It was a damn good game. Cincinnati shocked us with the 1-minute touchdown and then there was that missed field goal, but then we got our asses into gear. Second half BELONGED to us, it was such a good feeling. Tyrod played his game well, getting us several rushing yards and making some sweet passes. Darren Evans, though stopped often throughout the game, also made some key plays. Boone, as usual, was unstoppbale. I think it was Dustin Keys who made that 44-yard field goal. But my personal favorite player of the 2009 Orange Bowl would have to be…

 

Kam Chancellor. Playing Beamerball the way it was meant to be played.

 

I was in the same spot last year when I saw us go down against Kansas and it wasn’t even graceful. This season opened wth the loss against ECU and the novice factor of our heavily-freshmen team was apparent. When we were beaten by Boston College and then came back for revenge at the ACC championship, it was deja vu and it didn’t mean we’d win this Bowl. It’s just immensely satisfying to see a young team that had a rough start get its act together and make it farther than their experienced predecessors. Our game wasn’t perfect, but it was tightened and it made for very good football indeed.

 

Afterwards, we caught December’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show as recorded by our old friend, codenamed Jolly Roger. Now in it second year, it is officially a tradition.

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There’s a lot to be said about the importance schools like Virginia Tech place on their athletic programs and not all of it is good.

 

But tonight, it was great to feel that solidarity. It was hilarious to invoke manliness to appease the football gods. I’m not an athlete. I don’t even know jack about sports, really. I tend to roll my eyes at guys who know more football stats than presidents. But tonight was one of those nights where I was a Hokie like the rest of ’em. And I was proud of it.

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I leave you with a video of a German guy playing a flute with his butt. Brought to my attention courtesy of Pokecapn.