Phil Tries to Blog About Weddings, Chapter One

“Google, tell me the date of the first wedding,” I request.

The Google Robot rolls up to me. “Is Phil getting married?”

“No. No, Google Robot. Kevin’s getting married.”

Google scans my phone contacts, which it has acquired through my phone contacts on my Android phone. “Ah, yes. Kevin _____. Engaged on Facebook to Molly _____. Would Kevin and Molly be interested in a crib for sale on eBay?”

I sigh. “Shut up, Google Bot. Tell me the date of the first wedding.”

Google Robot scans its servers and its screen suddenly displays the pre-programmed facial expression that indicates it is trying to get me to click on a link. “Worried about picking the perfect wedding date? WORRY NO MORE. The Knot Dot Com offers a mobile-friendly listicle guiding you through the choice of picking…”

“No,” I interrupt. “No, Google Bot.” I figure I should rephrase my query. “When. Was. The first. Wedding?” 

Google Bot’s demeanor changes to its more academically-minded persona. “Wedding Zone Dot Com offers ‘The HIstory of the Wedding’ by Matt Jacks, Freelance Writer.” It sounds spot-on, so I click on the link.

“Precisely where and when the first wedding was held will never be known,” Matt Jacks writes in his first line.

I shout out an expletive and tab out of the open web, retreating back into TweetDeck.