Dick Cheney, Sorostitutes, Bros, and Hipsters

My most boring class is in the morning and is directly followed by my hardest class. However, my favorite class is at the end, so I guess it makes up for it. Today we talked about how in Postmodern society, multinational capitalism exploits and destroys. Alllllriiiiight.

As a senior, I feel that I keep seeing the same people pop up in my classes, so I’ve compiled a list of the five archetypes people are guaranteed to see at a large public university classroom.

But, first…

In the News

Continuing the CIA probe news, dear old Dick Cheney is running his mouth again.

“The people involved deserve our gratitude. They do not deserve to be the targets of political investigations or prosecutions.”

Patriots torture.

I’d ask if Dick Cheney knows about the documents Salon blogger Glenn Greenwald has posted, but I assume he ordered them all himself.

You thought waterboarding was bad? Actions during interrogations included:

– staging an execution to intimidate a detainee
– revving a power drill near a hooded and naked detainee
– telling a detainee “we’re going to kill your children” and “we could get your mother in here”
– using force to put pressure on a detainee’s cartoid artery on his neck
– blowing smoke in a detainee’s face (although the interrogator didn’t even smoke?)

So, following Dick Cheney’s instructions…

…thanks for completely discrediting U.S. antiterrorism efforts.

Assholes.
—-

The 5 People in your College Class

Compiled from personal experience.

The Sorority ‘Tard

Why she’s in your class:
– your major would be useless in a post-apocalyptic society (me)
– she needs to fulfill some LAME university requirement, OMG
– she’s lost

What she does:
– talk to her sister about how she hopes this year’s pledge class will DD more often
– establish how she’s not looking for drama this semester
– text

Quote:
“OMG, did you read Katie’s text to Sarah about Jessica’s Facebook message to Stacy quoting the IM calling her a fat slut?”

The Bro

Why he’s in your class:
– Science, Math or Engineering: He wants to graduate/ get a job, Liberal Arts: he’s looking for chicks
– he failed/dropped it four times before
– it’s got the word “Brewing” in it

What he does:
– Browse ESPN.com
– complains about this hard computer game to his fellow Bro
– sleep

Quote:
“Shit, man, I used to be so good at Breast Pong. To be a freshman again…”

The Asian Nerd

Why he’s in your class:
– he likes to learn
– his adviser, room mate, and parents told him to
– to ruin the curve

What he does:
– pay attention
– take notes
– download J-Pop

Quote:

“No, man, you’ve got it wrong, I’m borderline retarded. My A in Advanced Structural Calculus Decartes Historical Analysis was almost an A-.”

The Hipster Brigade

Why they’re in your class:
– the professor is liberal
– it’s conveniently located close to their favorite local coffee shop
– it’s an English course

What they do:
– compose music in their head
– wear ironic beanies and hats
– twitch anxiously from nicotine withdrawal

Quote:
“How was your summer working for the man? I managed to live off lawn mowing and pot dealing, drinking my coffee and contributing nothing substantial to society.”

The Perfect Girl

Why she’s in your class:
– she has the same interests and hobbies as you do
– she’s smart, driven, and committed to getting an education so she can be a positive force in society
– she’s the T.A.

What she does:
– wear flattering clothing that isn’t slutty
– doze off when the professor is boring, look adorably attentive when the professor is interesting
– occasionally surf the web in search of music you would like, movies you want to see, and books you’ve been meaning to read

Quote:
“Nice to meet you, I’m—[phone ring]–oh, one sec, that’s my boyfriend.”

Addendum:
The boyfriend is The Bro.
—-

I know I’ve committed to a lot of promises about the blog…working on it. Working on it. Will try to have a substantial Fact & Philos this weekend.

Quote of the Day
“Life is an escalator. You can move forward or backward; you cannot remain still.” – Patricia Russell-McCloud

In defense of Phelps and gamers

Good morning, Blacksburg. It is a balmy 27 degrees outside and there have been no snow tornadoes lately.
—-

A note on marijuana use and Olympic swimmers…

*sob*LEAVE MICHAEL PHELPS ALONE!*sob*

Seriously, why do we expect Phelps to lead a clean-cut Leave it to Beaver lifestyle when he’s not training? The DUI four years ago probably should have clued you in to the fact that Michael Phelps is a douchebag. The sad thing is that we seem to be giving him more scrutiny now that he’s hitting a bong than we were when he was putting motorists’ lives in danger.

"What, me? Drink? Smoke? I'm an AMERICAN ATHLETE. Are you kidding me?"

He won’t lose his endorsements. He won’t lose the hearts and minds of America. He beats other countries at things. Thus, he is better than our schools, our foreign policy makers, and our car companies. He is what many Americans wish this country could be: a competitive asshole.

He’s also a damn good swimmer and that’s what should count. So, yes, I think he’s a dumb douche and that he should have been much more severely punished for driving drunk, but I say let the man party on this one. And hey, maybe the fact that most authorities are willing to turn a blind eye when Golden Boy takes a puff should raise a discussion on why we’re imprisoning OTHER people for smoking marijuana…

…No, they’re not rich and famous….Okay, then, sorry for wasting your time.

—–

Have you ever woken up and wondered what it is that has you feeling so down?

Well, wonder no further, maladjusted Generation XBoxer. The invincible team of Media and Science have found the root of all evil…In fact, it’s the same root of all evil it was last year. And the year before that. It’s their dodgy black-sheep cousin, electronic entertainment media.

Once again, television and video games are responsible for our social ailments. A recently released study found symptoms consistent with those of depression developing in couch potato/gaming adolescents over the course of seven years. Males were hit harder than females.

I acknowledge that many people realize that studies such as this one do a poor job of showing causation. However, my concern is about the people who do nothing more than look at the headline:

TV and video games increase teen

depression risk

“There it is! You see, Bertha, it’s them DAMN JAP’NESES trying to soften the kids! Put a baseball glove in their hands right away!”

Listen…gaming excess is a real phenomenon and not something you’d want to encourage in children and adolescents. Ditto for television viewing. But to immediately associate any sort of boob tube interaction with depression and maladjustment is ignoring the real issues. Binging on anything can lead to decreased mental health and social problems. Food. Alcohol. Pro wrestling.

But gaming and sedentary media consumption get the worst press because of society’s favoring of the All-American Athletic Golden Boy. Every kid should be encouraged to be physically active, to be sure. But some kids have a propensity to videogame and others an inclination to play sports. And there’s no reason each can’t occasionally dabble in the other. In fact, they already do. How many bros do you know who XBox a little before going out to play some Ultimate?

Hey, guys, you wanna play some Hungover Call of Duty tomorrow and then hit the gym for some MAD REPS?

It’s more likely that the depression stems from the underdeveloped social avenues for gamers and media consumers. Jocks get the entire high school to fawn over them while gamers are more easily isolated. Females were less hit based on the amount of requisite attention most girls get in high school from their peers and males. On the other hand, many boys who hang in the gaming clique can expect to bring this to the prom:

Where's your cummerbund, Big Daddy?

They’ve been saying videogames are bad for you for years. And they’re right, under certain circumstances. But, then again, so are microwave ovens, if you lovingly press your cheek to the door as your Easy Mac spins inside. These studies will soon become passe as gaming becomes more and more mainstream. Scientists from my generation will have to find some other scapegoat for the maladjusted teenagers of tomorrow. Of course, by that time, gaming will have lost its fringe appeal and geeks may very well have turned to microwave-caressing.

But what I think we’ve discovered after all of this is that American boys like to be athletic, play videogames, and partake of mind-altering substances.
—–

I’ll leave you today with the best thing I found on Reddit: