ADVENTURES FROM THE FUTURE [Memos]

Heathcliff is a guest blogger for Phil the Pill.

Behold – I am from the future and I am holding this list (memo):

THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE POTENTIAL 2012 REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

Greetings -- from the future!

• Herman Cain is surprised to find himself agreeing with the finer points of Sharia divorce law.
• Michelle Bachmann adopts Barack Obama.
• Rick Santorum’s eyes shrink so small he becomes legally blind. After mistakenly kissing moderator Brian Williams he is forced to renounce his candidacy.
• Arianna Huffington is Sarah Palin.
• Ron Paul appoints himself Fed chair, replaces US currency with bitcoins.
• Rep. Boehner tells Barack Obama not to run for President; Obama agrees. A hostile race for the nomination from either Republican Party #1 or Republican Party #2 ensues.
• Jon Huntsman has too much fun on Family Game Night. In his painfully hungover state he mistakenly writes in Obama’s name instead of his own, costing him the race.
• Since corporations are people, George W. Bush attempts to run for president as a corporation. The Supreme Court somehow ends up appointing him president.
• George W. Bush falls from a segway made out of pretzels to his death while in China.
• Replacement President Rick Perry lowers taxes to negative rates, bankrupting the nation.
• In his first act as Second Replacement President, Mitt Romney takes over Iran, “downsizes” considerably, but still manages to turn an awesome profit.
• Newt Gingrich repeatedly questions the value of this existence and accuses reality of having a liberal bias. He exits life as he exited the National Stage – blindingly drunk, overweight, and filled with murderous rage.
• In a surprising decision, upsetting many University of Florida fans, the BCS computer and coaches’ polls both open the season with the USA firmly ranked at #1.

Farewell,

FROM THE FUTURE!