Dick Cheney, Sorostitutes, Bros, and Hipsters

My most boring class is in the morning and is directly followed by my hardest class. However, my favorite class is at the end, so I guess it makes up for it. Today we talked about how in Postmodern society, multinational capitalism exploits and destroys. Alllllriiiiight.

As a senior, I feel that I keep seeing the same people pop up in my classes, so I’ve compiled a list of the five archetypes people are guaranteed to see at a large public university classroom.

But, first…

In the News

Continuing the CIA probe news, dear old Dick Cheney is running his mouth again.

“The people involved deserve our gratitude. They do not deserve to be the targets of political investigations or prosecutions.”

Patriots torture.

I’d ask if Dick Cheney knows about the documents Salon blogger Glenn Greenwald has posted, but I assume he ordered them all himself.

You thought waterboarding was bad? Actions during interrogations included:

– staging an execution to intimidate a detainee
– revving a power drill near a hooded and naked detainee
– telling a detainee “we’re going to kill your children” and “we could get your mother in here”
– using force to put pressure on a detainee’s cartoid artery on his neck
– blowing smoke in a detainee’s face (although the interrogator didn’t even smoke?)

So, following Dick Cheney’s instructions…

…thanks for completely discrediting U.S. antiterrorism efforts.

Assholes.
—-

The 5 People in your College Class

Compiled from personal experience.

The Sorority ‘Tard

Why she’s in your class:
– your major would be useless in a post-apocalyptic society (me)
– she needs to fulfill some LAME university requirement, OMG
– she’s lost

What she does:
– talk to her sister about how she hopes this year’s pledge class will DD more often
– establish how she’s not looking for drama this semester
– text

Quote:
“OMG, did you read Katie’s text to Sarah about Jessica’s Facebook message to Stacy quoting the IM calling her a fat slut?”

The Bro

Why he’s in your class:
– Science, Math or Engineering: He wants to graduate/ get a job, Liberal Arts: he’s looking for chicks
– he failed/dropped it four times before
– it’s got the word “Brewing” in it

What he does:
– Browse ESPN.com
– complains about this hard computer game to his fellow Bro
– sleep

Quote:
“Shit, man, I used to be so good at Breast Pong. To be a freshman again…”

The Asian Nerd

Why he’s in your class:
– he likes to learn
– his adviser, room mate, and parents told him to
– to ruin the curve

What he does:
– pay attention
– take notes
– download J-Pop

Quote:

“No, man, you’ve got it wrong, I’m borderline retarded. My A in Advanced Structural Calculus Decartes Historical Analysis was almost an A-.”

The Hipster Brigade

Why they’re in your class:
– the professor is liberal
– it’s conveniently located close to their favorite local coffee shop
– it’s an English course

What they do:
– compose music in their head
– wear ironic beanies and hats
– twitch anxiously from nicotine withdrawal

Quote:
“How was your summer working for the man? I managed to live off lawn mowing and pot dealing, drinking my coffee and contributing nothing substantial to society.”

The Perfect Girl

Why she’s in your class:
– she has the same interests and hobbies as you do
– she’s smart, driven, and committed to getting an education so she can be a positive force in society
– she’s the T.A.

What she does:
– wear flattering clothing that isn’t slutty
– doze off when the professor is boring, look adorably attentive when the professor is interesting
– occasionally surf the web in search of music you would like, movies you want to see, and books you’ve been meaning to read

Quote:
“Nice to meet you, I’m—[phone ring]–oh, one sec, that’s my boyfriend.”

Addendum:
The boyfriend is The Bro.
—-

I know I’ve committed to a lot of promises about the blog…working on it. Working on it. Will try to have a substantial Fact & Philos this weekend.

Quote of the Day
“Life is an escalator. You can move forward or backward; you cannot remain still.” – Patricia Russell-McCloud